High Masculine Tones

Skydiving with Rummy: A Fever Dream in Prose

"Of course you can do it," spat the Defence Secretary, "Precision guidance -- your crash helmet is equipped with a radio headset, you'll be directed right down to the target by our spotters. You'll have the world's finest technology and expertise along with you. All you have to do is follow instructions. Do as you're told."

I looked over at the field I was to land in, ringed in on all four sides by power cables triple-stacked sixty metres high, forming an electric fence criss-crossing with wires throbbing.

Rumsfeld read my mind. "Those lines are a high grade landing hazard, without a doubt," his voice augmented by reverb-like assurance. "You'd spark up like a Roman candle if you hit one. Don't be a coward, you have nothing to worry about. I would have thought you possessed some trace of courage."

I was handed a backpack. It was lighter than I expected.

"I packed it myself" Rumsfeld added, his hands running through his hair in exasperation. "This exact model of parachute is used by our own Special Forces." His eyes clenched in a squint, "you don't think we'd endanger the lives of our most valued human assets, do you? Use your brain!" He pointed toward the plane, idling on the runway.

"I'll do it," I said, grabbed the pack and walked off on trembling legs, "you just keep your end of the bargain."

"Don't concern yourself," he shouted after me, "I promise that you'll get exactly what you deserve. You have my word, and thereby that of the Government of the United States of America, the greatest power... under God... in the universe..."

I lost his voice in the growing din of the engines as I got nearer the plane. I climbed up and in the open door, and entered a cargo bay holding a single airman who was reading a comic book through mirrored sunglasses.

Almost instantly we were aloft, and soon the moment had arrived. The airman smiled and nodded at me.

Just then a familiar voice came barking through the headset, "What in tarnation are you waiting for? We can't guide you down if you're too chickenshit to jump out of the fucking plane! By golly!"

"OK! OK! I'm jumping!" I yelled back, though I didn't see a microphone on the helmet.

I had jumped from planes twice before, for fun, and tried to remember the key points as I made my way to the door. I patted myself looking for the ripcord, and finally the airman opened a velcro pocket and pulled it out for me, gently giggling.

Without another thought I was out, the plane quickly disappearing from my sight. I waited a few seconds and gave the cord a yank.

Nothing. The buildings and vehicles on the ground were looking larger.

I heard chuckling on the headset. "Sir, you are a moron," came that voice again. "Your folly is a victory for natural selection."

The earth advanced toward me at an alarming rate.

Big Honkin' Greasy Reefers

Prime Minister Jean Chretien backs the bill, which is expected to make possession of small amounts of marijuana a mere ticketing offence that would not carry the stigma of a criminal record, said a senior government source.

... No decision has been made on what amount of marijuana in a person's possession would be considered "small" and for "personal use" under the law; it could be as low as 10 grams (about 10 marijuana cigarettes) -- it could go as high as 20 grams.

How cool would it be to party at the Toronto Star? One joint from a gram of weed... say what you will about their reporting, at least they roll 'em big.

Do I have RSS?

Update: It sure looks like it...

Update #2: But damn, ain't it clunky. Will try to do better.

We don't need peace...

Oh! You cute commando
you cuddly lil' guy
Shock and awe warm my heart
when your armoured unit passes by

Could an Arab make, or even understand, a keepsake so delightful? One so collectible? The essential goodness of our culture is included with this spunky soldier of the Super-Duper-Special Forces. Batteries are extra.

Direct liberty-guided missiles, bring sweet death from above. Bear the gifts of liberty and Jesus with stern paternal love. Level towns and cities, air raid sirens hailing freedom, mingled with children wailing, clinging to the corpses...

Survivors give thanks for deliverance and Christian charity, and pick through the rubble for scraps of food and stray body parts. In our land of plenty we have literally hundreds of cable channels -- we watch them all, except the porno. What do Arabs know of microwave ovens?

Who's side are you on?

Think about it.

The enemy kills senselessly. It has no conscience. You can bet that Saddam has kept a tight grip on Iraq's garage-door opener technology. When we kill men, women and children, we do it for a reason. That reason is classified in the interests of security.

The Arab has no regard for human life. It's in the Koran. Our collective conscience aches for every American soldier in harm's way. We rescued a prisoner of war. It was a woman. She was cute. We shall prevail. Our agonized hearts demand relief from our suffering. Have you noticed our resolve? We expect superior customer service from minimum-wage staff. We are a beacon light shining for oppressed peoples everywhere. We don't want to pay for parking. We travel the globe without learning local languages, armed with powerful currency and all-inclusive tour packages. If the resort staff don't like it, they can go back where they came from.

We don't need peace when our wallets are full and our hearts are overflowing with love.

Dick Cheney is...

Dick Cheney is a conservative without compassion
Dick Cheney is merely Vice President
Dick Cheney is not dead yet
Dick Cheney is healthy
Dick Cheney is very hard
Dick Cheney is tough enough
Dick Cheney is a liar
Dick Cheney is evil
Dick Cheney is a Jesse Helms Republican who has voted repeatedly against working families
Dick Cheney is at it again
Dick Cheney is person??
Dick Cheney is a Segway man?" asked Russert after showing a clip of the veep on the scooter
Dick Cheney is one of the very best in America that's why the Democratic liberals are trying to ruin him
Dick Cheney is a proud father of two adult daughters
Dick Cheney is relying on our cultural amnesia to wipe away his record on South Africa
Dick Cheney is married to his high school sweetheart
Dick Cheney is a chronic abuser of women
Dick Cheney is still mostly being kept in secret locations
Dick Cheney is eyeing Rosalyn Robinson as though she had just asked him to dance the hokey pokey
Dick Cheney is the perfect angel of mercy to prelude the harbinger of doom
Dick Cheney is lying
Dick Cheney is a dinosaur living in the age of mammals
Dick Cheney is in reality one of the most conservative political figures of the modern era of American politics
Dick Cheney is at the center of the corruption of the political process
Dick Cheney is one of them
Dick Cheney is a crook
Dick Cheney is right in the middle of it
Dick Cheney is clearly the second biggest threat

Lynne Cheney is...

Lynne Cheney is a woman
Lynne Cheney is even worse
Lynne Cheney is scary
Lynne Cheney is no feminist
Lynne Cheney is beginning to make us appreciate Tipper
Lynne Cheney is panting over Eminem again
Lynne Cheney is hardly the only conservative to parlay cultural politics into children's merchandise
Lynne Cheney is by far the more problematic of the two Cheneys
Lynne Cheney is writing schoolthink
Lynne Cheney is not a "go along'' kind of woman
Lynne Cheney is back in town
Lynne Cheney is an outspoken crusader in the culture wars
Lynne Cheney is attacking educators who include more multiculturalism in their lessons following the September 11 attacks
Lynne Cheney is about as conservative as they come
Lynne Cheney is willing to pretend to make babies with her husband
Lynne Cheney is a patriot list to me
Lynne Cheney is spinning in her grave
Lynne Cheney is an entertaining history of America
Lynn Cheney is a member of the board of Lockheed Martin
Lynn Cheney is obviously an evil person who will be executed as soon as I am made queen
Lynn Cheney is cataloguing academics who have a view that is critical of American foreign policy
Lynn Cheney is on the American Express board
Lynn Cheney is Mary Tyler Moore
Lynn Cheney is going about trying to whip up a new McCarthyism

I'm no Neal Pollack, so I turned to the human hive mind via Googlism to assemble an emergent online culture contribution for Make Fun of the Cheneys Day. It's not inventive, but I think it's important to state what Dick is to all of us.

I hope everybody enjoys the 24 hour non-stop celebration of Smilin' Dick and his scholarly wife. I know I will.